Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
