Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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