I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
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Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
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He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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