is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
