Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
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Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
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Rumble strips road head = magical
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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