Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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