My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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