I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
