apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
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My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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