I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
