I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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