We're like a lot better than the average bears
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
