fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
