Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
