Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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