i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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