how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
