Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
