she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
