I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
