Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
