theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
