theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just forgot I was standing up.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
