Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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