I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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