If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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