I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Boobs speak an international language.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
