Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
