I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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