So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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