two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
