This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
