I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I want a musical about memes.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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