so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
