They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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