Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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