So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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