Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
