My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
