I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
