Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
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good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
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I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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