Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
