i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
