I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
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so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Even my vagina gasped.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
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ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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