I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
