I wish my penis had an off switch
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
