I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
false alarm, still single
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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