Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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