dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm having to shit out rocks
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though