I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
