So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize