Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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