fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
