I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
