Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
