Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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